Consider Yourself
by Foibles and Fables
Summary: Concerning drunk lovers, late-night guilt attacks, a sharp regression into face-stuffing, coffee that won't help insomnia, weirdness, an actual hashing out of issues, and warm hands. A direct one-shot continuation of 5.20.


**A/N: After last week's episode, I was sorely disappointed at the lack of build-up to Meredith offering Lexie the position of bridesmaid. To me, their relationship is one of the most intriguing on the show and I was pretty bitter that we didn't see more of it. So, I wrote it instead, even though I have myself convinced that I don't write Meredith well (which probably shows in this). This is based on the song "Consider Yourself" from the musical _Oliver!_.**

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is the property of Shonda Rhimes and ABC. This writing is for entertainment purposes only and is not for profit.  
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_Consider yourself at home  
__Consider yourself one of the family  
__We've taken to you so strong  
__It's clear we're going to get along_

_Consider yourself our mate  
__We don't wanna have no fuss  
__For after some consideration we can state  
__Consider yourself one of us_

It takes a while for the initial elation to wear off, but it eventually does. It had kept her giddy for a while, but, when it leaves, Lexie can feel it happening. It's a physical change inside her chest that brings with it a wave of humiliation and insecurity. _Guilt_, there's the correct word for the emotion. She feels guilty.

Mark is fast asleep and very naked next to her, snoring lightly and quite possibly drooling. After he and Derek got home earlier that evening, they watched the end of the game like Mark had suggested. Along the way, they got a little too caught up in the male camaraderie and were totally plastered by the time Lexie and Meredith decided to check on them. Needless to say, Mark was in no shape to drive and nobody really wanted to take him home, but he was more than agreeable to staying the night. For a guy who was used to single living, he sure took to the affectionately-dubbed Surgeon Frat House like a fish to water.

Lexie led him to the attic, and he did his part by pulling her to the mattress and kissing her. His mouth tasted like beer and Fritos but Lexie didn't mind. The sex didn't lose anything due to his intoxication, it gained if anything. It was more reckless and sloppier than it was sober but they both enjoyed it that way.

But now she's lying on her back, staring at the hollow and obscurely triangular attic ceiling. Way high up, dust particles hover in the patch of moonlight that shines though the only and tiny window all night, every night. And as she watches them, she feels just as bare as the gutted boards above.

She should still be happy. She shouldn't feel like she just overheard a secret that she isn't supposed to know. But she does, and it's awful.

"_You're my sister, Lexie. You're in the wedding."_

Lexie takes a deep, loud breath (there's no way Mark will be woken up by anything for a long while now) and tries to tell herself that Meredith meant it. She tries to convince herself that it was honestly what Meredith wanted.

But the smile that came with the words, the too-bright smile that wouldn't have been nearly as happy if it wasn't forced! Lexie cringes. The eye-squinting grin Meredith gave was the fake "Mrs. Shepherd" face and it reminds Lexie so much of high ponytails and pink scrunchies that there's no way it could have been a genuine smile. Her stomach turns to cement as heat prickles at her neck and cheeks.

Lexie doesn't mind when Meredith talks to her or stands up for her. It doesn't bother her to be with Meredith's friends. But this, an invitation to join the damn wedding party? This is another thing entirely.

Maybe she'll try to sleep on it. There's a chance that she'll feel better about it in the morning. Maybe Meredith will be stricken with an illness that will cause her to forget that tonight and only tonight happened, therefore taking her and Lexie back to a tolerant impasse. Because, for some strange reason, it was lot more comfortable than what Lexie's feeling right now.

She closes her eyes but all she can see is Meredith's shiny happy smile and she hears echoes of her overly excited voice. Maybe she's making things up, but to her, it sounds suspiciously like the pained "yay" Meredith let out just after she met Lexie and they were working together in the clinic. Because she remembers things like that, whether she wants to or not.

Deeming sleep impossible at this point, Lexie slides out of bed and creeps on tiptoe down the stairs. The last thing she wants to do is to wake anyone else and make things more awkward (even though she's technically the one making things awkward in the first place, even though she doesn't realize it). A walk would help calm her down, and a snack wouldn't be bad either. After this thought hits her she groans; the urge to eat is back with a vengeance after only a few short hours of reprieve. Her (apparently humongous) ass will not thank her.

Lexie is dismayed to discover once again that fate hates her as she peeks into the kitchen and sees that Meredith is already in there. It's all but a punch to the gut, a wince-causing blow, as she observes her half-sister sitting calmly at the table, sipping from a cup of coffee that probably isn't doing any good in curing her apparent insomnia.

Come to think of it, Lexie shouldn't be surprised that Meredith is down here. A few times she's stumbled out of bed blindly, needing to pee pretty damn badly, and seen Meredith in the hallway. She would flash her a small smile and then dive into the bathroom without waiting to see her reaction. She would scold herself afterward, thinking how stupid it was that she was so skittish.

Even though Lexie doesn't particularly want to go into the kitchen anymore, her body is begging for her to grab the first piece of chocolate she can find and shove it in her face. So her legs urge her onward, and the eggshells she's walking on begin to crack. She makes it through the doorway and halfway to the candy sanctuary when Meredith speaks.

"Couldn't sleep?" She sets her mug down and quirks an eyebrow at Lexie. It's not at all an intimidating gesture but, in light of recent doubts, it's received as one. Lexie swallows hard and shakes her head, plunging into the candy dish and grasping a fun-size Butterfinger. She tears the wrapper off and bites it in half, shuddering with relief as it hits her tongue.

Meredith's eyebrow arches even more sharply at Lexie's behavior, but she decides to leave it alone. "Derek's down for the count," she continues for the sake of not ending the conversation on an uncomfortable note. "And he accuses me of being a dead-sleep drunk. It's sad, really."

Lexie pushes the second half of the peanut butter and chocolate deliciousness into her mouth and nods. "Yeah, Mark's pretty bad too," she replies in a quick, breathy voice, garbled around the half-chewed Butterfinger. Meredith acknowledges it with a half-smile before she takes a sip from her coffee. Lexie unwraps another candy bar and puts the whole thing in her mouth this time, not bothering with dainty bites. Meredith watches her and can't ignore it this time.

"Are you okay?"

Lexie's stomach flips, like it always does when she's trying to hide something. "Yeah. Why?"

"I thought you stopped eating." Then, Lexie sees a thought slam into Meredith's head; her eyes flash and widen and her jaw tightens and Lexie knows that she isn't going to get off easy. "Is it Mark? Did he say some kind of stupid drunk thing? Because if he did, I swear, he's-"

"No!" Lexie all but exclaims and then forcibly calms herself. "No," she repeats, more evenly. "It's not Mark. It's just," she blathers, gesturing wildly with her hands in the wordless pause, aware that she won't be able to stop or take it back once she starts the next part, "you didn't have to do that."

Meredith becomes even more confused (if that's possible). "What do you mean?"

Lexie bites her lip and looks away, wishing she could either miraculously become invisible and run away or collapse in upon herself. "Ask me to be a bridesmaid," she squeaks, barely anything. "I mean, I'm honored, _really_ honored and all that, but you didn't have to do that."

She can almost see the words travel through the air and be absorbed by Meredith. "I see," she says, and Lexie's afraid that will be the end of the talk and that's not a very good place to leave things either.

But, thankfully, Meredith has more to add. "I kind of did have to ask you. Izzie suggested it and nobody can say no to her these days." Meredith shivers as thoughts of ballroom dancing lessons and morning jackets that Lexie doesn't know about come to mind.

"Oh." So she was right and the offer was based on someone else's plan. It doesn't blindside Lexie but it stings regardless.

"Besides," Meredith goes on, beckoning for Lexie to sit in the chair next to her, which she gingerly does. "Why wouldn't you be a bridesmaid? After all, you're my sister," she repeats, and it baffles Lexie even more the second time around. The phrase doesn't make sense coming from Meredith's mouth.

"But that's the thing," Lexie blurts, lips and tongue forming syllables without her consent. "I don't want to be in the wedding if you feel like you're obligated to let me just because we have the same dad. I don't want to be the charity case if there's someone else you'd rather have lined up on the altar or wherever with you." She feels the humiliation set on again but she speaks around it. "It's your special day and you should have your free choice. I won't be disappointed if you want to take it back."

Her front teeth dig into her lower lip, giving her a childish appearance that Meredith blinks at. She's lying again and she hopes Meredith can't tell. Because she would love to be in the wedding, but only if Meredith _wants_ her there.

The puzzled look Meredith wears has been perpetual on her face since the beginning of Lexie's outburst. Of course Lexie would be insecure about something like this, she thinks. She almost ate herself into a coma when Mark and Derek were fighting. Lexie doesn't like conflict and Meredith knows it.

Meredith waits patiently until she thinks that Lexie is done before pushing her mug aside and answering. "But I'm not going to take it back. I do want you to be a bridesmaid."

Lexie is about to come back with "no you don't" but realizes how dumb and childishly argumentative that sounds when the first word passes her lips. With some struggle, she finally manages to shut herself up.

Instead, she finds an opportunity to address all of the issues and questions that have been raised throughout this crazy year. The dam breaks. Loose thoughts form words, which form phrases and sentences that are probably incoherent but desperately need to be put out there.

"It's…it's weird, you know?" Lexie's voice starts out as a too-high-pitched yelp and she quickly corrects it. "At first I didn't think it would be but it is. All my life I knew you existed. I didn't know your name or anything until much later, but I knew you _were_." She's all wild gestures, stammering mouth, and big worried eyes. "I already told you this but you were preoccupied at the time so I'll say it again."

She clears her throat in a very new nervous tick. Here goes. "I used to fantasize about meeting my older sister and about how great it would be. But then, I did meet you and you didn't want me. And that hurt." She closes her eyes and sighs deeply. "I love you like I think I should, not creepy or stalker-ish or anything, but, after that, it was weird. It's getting better now but it still is."

She flinches at the overuse of "weird," but she couldn't think of a better word in time. She focuses on the grain of the wooden tabletop, not willing to look at Meredith and see the fight-or-flight begin in her eyes. She expects her to splutter an excuse or just plain get up and leave.

But Meredith doesn't do anything of the sort. Yes, she's timid about it, but she's not going to leave now.

She instead rests her elbows on the table and leans toward Lexie to gain her attention. Lexie does look up, surprised, hazel eyes glossy with cautious wonder.

"It _is_ weird," Meredith agrees in a no-bones-about-it tone, glad that they see eye-to-eye, pursing her lips and raising both eyebrows. For a while, she thought Lexie was all butterflies and rainbows about their relationship which was frankly kind of disturbing. "I didn't even know you existed until Molly was admitted to the hospital. I couldn't comprehend that my father was going on with his life and was somebody else's father too. Then there was the day you introduced yourself to me."

She smiles, and Lexie can't tell if it's bitter or not and she's decided that she hates Meredith's ambiguous expressions. But the smile is gone quickly and is replaced by a strained look, accompanied by a sigh. She starts to speak again, but hesitates, visibly torn. After a second of indecision she forces herself to press onward.

"I wanted to hate you, you know," says Meredith bluntly and it hits Lexie like a blast of cold air. "I expected to resent your childhood, your eagerness, everything about you." She counts on her fingers, voice rising with each item. "I _wanted _to. And, for a long time, I thought I did."

Lexie's not sure when, but somewhere along the line her mouth fell open. She does nothing to recover. She's hypnotized by Meredith's voice, oddly soothing despite the acidic words. It's the revelation of an enigma and Lexie doesn't want to miss a second.

"But." Meredith makes a broad sweeping motion with her hand. "I didn't. After some time, it became obvious that I hated the idea of you and not _you_. I started to try. It was hard, but I did my best. You've shown me that I had a chance, you know? That I could have turned out better and I could have been like you if my childhood wasn't utterly depressing. And I still haven't decided if that makes me feel better or worse, but at least I know now."

The logic is strange but undeniably there.

"The truth is, I've gotten used to you being around. Everyone else has too. You're becoming, like, a part of the furniture or something. And, you might not think so, but everyone likes you. Derek, obviously Mark, Izzie, Alex, George, Cristina – we don't mind you being around anymore."

"Even Cristina?" Lexie has to interject in a tiny voice, heart bouncing against her ribcage. Nodding, Meredith gives the slightest laugh possible: a rush of air from her nose.

Then, the world seems to move in slow-motion as Meredith reaches for Lexie and takes both of her hands in hers. It's an impulsive action and the first real bit of physical contact between them, and both are equally surprised that they don't want to recoil and retreat to their corners. "I don't know. I can't think of a way to put it so I'm just going to say this. Everything considered, I'm glad you exist, Lexie."

It's not an "I love you." It's not even close. But, for some reason, it's better this way. It's more them.

A smile turns the corners of Meredith's lips and, to Lexie, it's irrefutably a real one. She feels one tugging at her face too, goofy and energetic. Her fingers tingle where Meredith's touch them and it's nice. Very nice.

"And you want me in the wedding?"

Meredith's hands are warm, probably from the coffee mug, and soft too.

"Yes." It's final and telling. Meredith squeezes her hands once and briefly, reassuring.

They spend a silent moment frozen in place, basking in their still weird but getting better agnatic bond. Part of it is scary and new, but part of it feels like it's been there all along, gathering potential before choosing now to come through.

It's based on baby steps and Lexie finally feels ready to initiate the next miniature shuffle. "So," she says, working on keeping her voice steady, still beaming lopsidedly, "have you thought about the wedding color yet? Or are you leaving that one up to Izzie too?"

An almost imperceptible blush and shy smile cross Meredith's face, and Lexie swears that she's looking forward to the whole wedding ordeal more than she's letting on. The fact that it was exposed to her for half an instant is all the encouragement she needs. Meredith answers, softly.

"Well, you know what I think would look nice?"


End file.
